Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the music I make and the lyrics I write, and I'm excited to share this album with you because my heart is in it.
But it's not cool.
I don't know when I realized that, to me, my songs didn't sound hip and badass like the music on the radio, but out of nowhere I started agonizing over how to make the album cooler.
I started rebuilding songs and stressing out. I started working on my mandated days off, and snapping at people who interrupted my "creative flow".
I was gross and unpleasant.
The worst part was that, no matter how hard I tried, the songs still weren't slick enough.
I even took a few days off and came back to listen to them...
The time away helped me calm down because I knew that the songs weren't half-bad, buuuuuuttt the nagging feeling of lacking a certain "cool-factor" persisted.
Probably because I don't ever feel cool enough.
My entire life, through all the different hairstyles, clothing, places I've lived and people I've met... I've never felt cool enough.
I look at pictures of past (and not-so past) Joy and I want to sit her down and say,
"Stop running, kid."
I want to tell her that that boy was an idiot...
I want to tell her that the pop punk band she was in was actually pretty incredible...
I want to tell her that that zebra shirt she wore most of senior year was the 3rd best choice she's ever made...
And I want to tell Past Joy that she's now 23 and she's still not cool.
That she still sometimes walks into rooms and feels like she doesn't belong.
That she's still rather awkward, but in a much more endearing way..
Past Joy might be disappointed, but I think she'll also be stoked that she's grown into a woman that loves people the best she can.
She'll be excited that she finally stopped being afraid and started working as a musician full-time.
She'll be over the moon when she hears that she gets to make a record and that she's gonna put out something that she can be proud of.
Something that maybe only a few people will ever hear.
And it may not be super cool.
But it's honest.
I like that.
P.S. Do people even say cool anymore? Should I change it to "dope" or "hip"? Please advise....
P.P.S. Should that be an editors note and not a P.S.?
P.P.P.S. Here's a picture of my high school band, Hit The Ground Running. Be blessed.